5 Subtle Ways A Narcissist Diminishes You

The title of this post is important, “5 Subtle Ways A Narcissist Diminishes You.” Notice that I didn’t title this blog post, ” 5 Ways to Know If You’re With a Narcissist.” That’s because typically a woman will know that she’s met a narcissist, especially if she has prior experience with this personality disorder. But, take my word, if she knows the signs, she’ll know very quickly who she’s dealing with…and she’ll run the opposite direction as fast as she can.

True narcissistic personalities can trick you because they come at you with all the temporary love bombing their little hearts can muster. They make you feel like you’re the most important, special person in the world. They shower you with compliments, attention, and time. They truly make you think you’ve hit the mother lode of relationships! The jackpot of the perfect guy you’ve always imagined in your head.

Until…they don’t.

For the sake of argument, let’s say you fell for it…all of it. The intense love bombing; the attentiveness, the affection, the gifts. Now you’re in a full-blown relationship, and although you still enjoy the niceties they bestow upon you, you’re starting to feel a little trapped. Isolated. And most of all…diminished.

I have found 5 subtle ways a narcissist diminishes their significant other, whether it’s a spouse or a girlfriend.

1. They pretend to celebrate your accomplishments. You may believe they are so proud of you and are really vested in your success, but watch out. Grandiose narcissists must always be top-dog so they will indeed verbally celebrate your accomplishments while at the same time intentionally look for ways to bring you back down to ground level; actually beneath them. An example might be, “Congratulations on your promotion, I was wondering when they’d find another sucker to take that position.” Sound mean? It is! Downright cruel, but that’s how it happens.

2. They’ll make backhanded comments when someone else compliments you. When my ex-fiance and I attended one social function, one of the women told me how beautiful she thought I was. I humbly said, “Aaaaah, thank you so, so much!” My ex-fiance chimed in with, “Oh, don’t tell her that, she might get a big head.” An emotionally healthy man would revel in the fact that another person was genuinely complimenting his woman.

3. They don’t leave space for you to express your feelings. They make snide remarks in public and then tell you you’re overly sensitive when you call them out later. In other words, they engage in emotional invalidation. When my ex-husband and I were in a group of people, he would often tell me, “Come stand by me – it makes me look younger.” Of course he thought it was hysterical but he had no idea how much it hurt me. It was the classic case of, “Oh, you’re just so sensitive.” Narcissists are deeply insecure people who cover their fragile ego behind a mask of confidence, arrogance and entitlement.

4. Not so subtle oogling of other women. A narcissist will diminish you by intentionally oogling other women right in front of you with no regard to your feelings or reaction. You could be dressed to the hilt and look incredibly beautiful but their insecurity dictates that they shake their tail feather to show who’s in charge. It’s all about control and dominance!

5. Nothing you do or say will ever be quite right. Oh, you’ll almost say the right thing in any given public situation, or you’ll almost get breakfast right, or you’ll almost accomplish the task correctly. But…the narcissist will always find fault or suggest how you (or they) could have done it better. I once cooked a 5-star, restaurant quality dinner for a narcissist several years ago – humble brag: I can really cook! The narcissist proceeded to tell me throughout the meal that the meat was under cooked, the salad was too salty, the potatoes were too spicy, and the dessert didn’t have enough flavor in it, but “Oh,” he said, “It’s really good.” I wondered why I even bothered.

If you’ve seen yourself in any of the above scenarios, it’s time for a 180 degree turnaround. I know it’s easier said than done. I understand why it’s so difficult to leave a narcissist – we love the good things about them. I get it! I’ve heard Dr. John, host of The Dr. John Delony Show tell callers many times, Why do you think so little of yourself that you would stay in that situation? Who told you that you aren’t worth more?

To wrap up, I’ve found three ways to combat the diminishing that a narcissist imposes on you:

• Don’t react. Your reaction is like rocket fuel to a narcissist. They feed on it like piranha. Count to 5 or 10, remove yourself briefly from the room and take a couple deep breaths; do whatever you have to but don’t react in front of them.
• Validate yourself. You know who you are. And if you’re a Christian you know what God says about you in His Word. Your BFFs know what kind of wonderful person you are. Stand confident in all that!
• Surround yourself with positive, supportive, affirming friends. Be intentional about joining groups that are known for positivity like Rotary, Toastmasters, mastermind groups, personal development groups, get more involved in church functions, and seek out people who have similar interests and hobbies as you. Real friends make you feel heard, seen, and understood. NOT invisible, invalidated, and diminished.

Take your first step today! If you’re fresh out of a narcissistic relationship and need someone to walk with you toward healing and wholeness, I’m here to help. Go to the home page and click on Heart Restoration Conversation and book a call today.